Forgiving Others And Forgiving Myself: The Things That Work For Me And How I Find Peace, Relaxation And Happiness. How I Improve the Quality Of My Life By Forgiving Others And Myself.

If there was a biography about you, what would the title be?

I’m 59 years old now and through out my life I have been quiet and shy. Although I’m shy and quiet , diplomatic honesty is what I rely on ; driven by what my senses perceive and my instincts understand. And I share this truth with everyone I have ever met and it seems to be the glue that has helped me to maintain friendships although I am a severely introverted.

Making friend was always hard for me because of my shyness and quietness. But somehow the universe smiled down on me and put people in my life early on ( starting at the ages of of 2, 7, 15, 21 and 27) .

Im not in contact with a lot of the eople that I know. But I’m still in contact with, the about 5 people that I met during my age that I listed before. I learned to love , once I learned to forgive them.

Also in learning to forgive them , I learned to forgive myself. Thus in learning to forgive myself I found profound peace, non judgement , relaxation and happiness. Because I understood , finally that even people who love you are flawed and are born with certain attributes and personalities that they can’t change. Personalities are like the shape of the nose that you are born with, it won’t change.

Now there are some people that I met not mentioned in the 5, that I had to cut ties with permanently, because they were a true danger to me and those I love, because they had already chosen life patterns that left them at danger for themselves. And I tried to befriend them, but due to the nature of their jobs, I felt first hand what happened to them and I realized that I needed to feel safe. But I was still able to forgive them and I miss them but my goal is longevity and to live as long as I can so I can enjoy seeing my child grow up and teach my child how to follow dreams, reach goals and truly be happy.

So back to the 5 people. Those people are still my close friends and they all let me down often, but they never did anything to hurt or put me in danger so that’s why I still connect with them after all these years.

So how do I forgive? I’ll tell you. It’s not easy to forgive , but when I give you this concept of how to view forgiveness it might help. And it helps me.

I view forgiveness as canceling a debt. Some people can not repay debts. They just can’t. People are doing the best they can with what they have.

I have asthma and I can’t climb stairs, I can’t run, swim, ride a bike and I can’t talk a lot. For someone to be angry with me because I can’t do what I physically can’t do would be futile. So I use myself as a measure for how to stop expecting people to do what they can’t do.

One of my friends does not know how to communicate and they never completed basic education so this friend feels intimated and never tries reach the goals that they desire. Initially before I understood that ( it’s taken me 56 years to understand that) my feeling were hurt because that friend was never happy for me or my career or with each new degree I earned. It used to hurt me that they could not support me emotionally.

Then I put myself in my friends shoes and I realized that with this friend I needs to build up instead of expecting to be built up. I cancelled the debt of my expectations. Instead I encourage my friend. Even though my friend still says they feel powerless they have begun to follow their dreams of playing basketball and is winning tournaments. They learned that even though the school thing is something they feel bad about, they learned to feel great about the basketball ball.

One of my friends is the same culture as I am Puerto Rican, but through life they heard bad things and they personalized those negative comments. We are both Afro Puerto Rican she does not want to be associated with her darkness because of those negative things she’s heard. For her I’ve learned to forgive that she just can’t shake those feelings but she is learning to accept herself. Because I did not experience what she did, I’m able to embrace my dark skin and I model what someone who accepts oneself looks like and my friend is beginning to model that too ( took me 40 years to figure that out. How to be a better friend and have no expectations ).

For example she did not used to go out in the sun while she witnessed me put on sunscreen to avoid cancerous sun rays , but she has seen me spend time in the sun. So now she’s learning to go out in the sun, with sunscreen on .

One of my friends borrows books, clothing, food and money and never returns them. That was hardest to overcome for me. Because if my friends really love me they should be able to change their genetic predisposition! Right? Ah, no. But somehow I can’t change the genetic disposition of having this deadly asthma thing. That no matter all the meditations I take and breathing exercises I do it does not get better. So if I can’t change the asthma about me then ( as long as my friend is not unsafe and does not treat me terribly ) then I have to learn to accept that people do the best they can do with what they have.

So how do I handle the friend that never returns the food, money , books and clothes that they borrow?

If my friend likes a book I buy her the book. I never loan out books any more. To anyone. If my friend likes clothing I own, food they wish they could afford, I buy it for them. If my friend needs money since I can’t afford to loan money any more , I sit with my friend and come up with jobs they can do to earn it.

Seems like a lot of work? Right? It’s less work than being hurt that my friends can’t do what I expect them to do. By not demanding or wanting my friends to friend me in the way I want ; I’m happier. By forgiving that I did not accomplish something when I was in my 20’s that I did not need to do then, but wish I had done now and would like to do now; I accept that I did what I wanted to do back then. Which to me is what freedom is. And that now I can work on accomplishing a goal I did not need back then that I want now. Whew… but it works.

This concept also applies to myself. I used to be so very hurt because my asthma prevents me from living my life they way I wish I could. A few times I tried to do ride a bike, jog , eat shrimp all of which I was allergic to in my early 20s thinking it was mind over matter. And after a few near death hospital visits, allergy treatments that left my arms looking bruised , I accepted that It’s best to not engage in physical activities that were causing me danger.

Then when I became so hurt about this that and I did not want to hurt any more , I found new ways to enjoy my life that don’t call for the things that I was born not being able to do. I learned that while I can’t jog, that as can walk for short distances.

I love walking slowly and using my senses to tell about my environment. We have wild life here in Georgia, so I enjoy the different butterflies, bird calls, the raccoons and possums,

bunnies, deer, wild cats and the creek. I’ve discovered music and how when I listen to music I get goosebumps. I researched and it happens when your brain connects emotionally to the transitions in the music. I learned to cook and learned that I enjoy reading. Most days I’m reading your blogs and sending love and peace to you.

These days I am peaceful and happy and what I have is enough for me. I accept that just like I can’t change somethings about myself, I’ve learned to dwell on the good. I also free up my friends from holding them to expectations that they just can’t meet and really should not meet.